


"Nothing has changed me quite like you" (destiel songifcs to bleachers songs)

by ChrisJP



Category: Bleachers (Band), Supernatural
Genre: 15 x 20, Angst, Cas is dead, Castiel/Dean Winchester Angst, Dean Hates Himself, Dean Winchester Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Nightmares, Sad, Sad Castiel/Dean Winchester, Sad Dean Winchester, Songfic, and dean tries to cope, but inevitably fails, but what else is new
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:07:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27698723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChrisJP/pseuds/ChrisJP
Summary: "I'm lost in a world without you""It's a debt I gotta settle in Heaven""Come on, motherfucker. You survived, you gotta give yourself a break!"aka: There are TOO MANY Bleachers songs that perfectly capture the stupidity and heartbreak of the Supernatural Finale. So I'm writing songfics to cope.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	"Nothing has changed me quite like you" (destiel songifcs to bleachers songs)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 𝑊ℎ𝑒𝑛 𝐼 𝑓𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝑎𝑠𝑙𝑒𝑒𝑝 𝐼 𝑐𝑎𝑛 𝑠𝑒𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑓𝑎𝑐𝑒. 𝑊ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝐼 𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑡 𝑖𝑛 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝐼 𝑤𝑖𝑙𝑙 𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑟𝑒𝑝𝑙𝑎𝑐𝑒...
> 
> He relives Cas' death almost every night, and there's nothing he can do to stop it. Nothing that would calm his pounding heart. Nothing to ease the feeling of guilt eating at his chest now that he gets to live after Cas is gone.
> 
> 𝐴𝑛𝑑 𝐼 𝑐𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝑟𝑢𝑛 𝑎𝑤𝑎𝑦, 𝐼 𝑐𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝑙𝑒𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑚 𝑑𝑜𝑤𝑛. 𝐵𝑢𝑡 𝐼 𝑤𝑖𝑙𝑙 𝑟𝑒𝑚𝑒𝑚𝑏𝑒𝑟 (𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑙𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic can be set to both versions of the song. The more produced Jack one. Or Sia's stripped down version. Whichever you prefer is fine. I think Sia's gives reflects better sad!dean's feelings, but Jack's drums are a very explicit metaphore for his heart anxiously pounding. So... make of that what you will. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Lack of air woke his body up before his mind was ready to remember anything. He yanked off the wet sheets around his waist, and a sense of despair came over him as he opened his eyes.

 _Cas_ , he thought, out of instinct, trying to catch his breath.

_I woke up thinking you were still here_

_My hands shaking with regret_

Dean Winchester closed his eyes again, sitting up against the bedhead, trying to gather whatever strength he had left to re-center himself.

But his heart wouldn't stop pounding, and his hands wouldn't stop shaking. And that _stupid_ angel wouldn't answer his prayer.

"Cas, please," he begged in the darkness of the quiet room.

_I've held this dream for such a long, long time_

_And I wanna get up_

Usually, when the nightmares were too much, he'd pray to his best friend. The angel would fly down, look at him with a light frown, but say nothing and touch his forehead lightly, making the bad dreams go away for the night.

When he didn't hear the familiar flap of wings after a few seconds, realization washed over him like the bucket of cold water he desperately needed, and the memories flooded in.

_To the rhythm of a wild, to the rhythm of a wild heart_

_That beats, that beats like a rolling drum_

The adrenaline. The confusion. Castiel's face. The tears, the darkness, the words. The hand on his shoulder. The _love_.

And all this time, Dean never thought his angel was capable of human emotions. Had he known...

_I saw you standing on the corner_

_I saw you standing on your own_

But it didn't matter. Not anymore. He was gone forever. 

The bond between them -that energy and warmth Dean felt whenever he prayed to Cas- was gone too. So he knew it was real. Castiel was gone. For good this time, and there was nothing he could do to bring him back.

_And I get the feeling that it's, it's all a dream_  
_And I wanna get up_

And still, he couldn't shake the feeling, the hope at the back of his chest... that he _wasn't_. That it was all just a big nightmare, and he would soon wake up, his heart about to explode and Cas there, ready to make it all go away with a soft touch to his forehead.

_To the rhythm of a wild, to the rhythm of a wild heart_

_That beats, that beats like a drum_

  
Sam brings up Cas' death more times than necessary for Dean's comfort. Why can't his little brother ever read the room when he's trying to suppress his feelings?

He should've understood by now. But he hasn't, apparently. So Dean plays dumb and changes the subject. Because that's all he can do right now, not to break down every time he hears Castiel's name.

_When I fall asleep I can see your face_

_What I lost in you I will not replace_

_And I could run away, I could let them down_

_But I will remember your light_

It's enough that he still sees the angel's death whenever he closes his eyes for longer than a second. That he can't stop thinking about all the things he didn't do or say when he had the time.

About all the signals he missed. All the chances he didn't take. 

All the time they wasted.

And Dean wonders if there's still a chance that he'll get happiness in life. Because he knows there will never be another Cas for him. Whoever he meets next, whatever path he follows, will be but the barren shadow of what could have been.

So what else is there for him?

_Your light, it follows me in darkness_

_I'm trying hard but I can't win_

_And I've played the victim for a long, long time_

_And I wanna grow up_

_From the rhythm a young, from the rhythm of a younger heart_

_It leads just like a river runs_

He goes back to hunting because what else is there for him? 

Cas was right, he's not his daddy's little soldier. But he knows no other life, and he's finally ready to admit it. 

Ready to grow up and stop blaming his dad for everything wrong with him. The obsessed bastard is long gone. It stopped being John's fault several years ago. Dean is not a victim anymore. At least not his dad's.

Probably himself's.

_That night I sent over the parkway_

_The summer's gone and I'm alone_

The nights start getting colder, and Dean doesn't know if it's the actual weather or just the absence of Castiel's grace, no longer running through his veins every time he has a bad dream.

And he prays. He hates imagining that Castiel is still around, still close to him, still there for him... He hates it because it's not true, and he knows that. But he still imagines it. Because somehow, that thought is the only thing still keeping him sane.

_And I get the feeling that you're somewhere close_

_And I wanna get up_

_To the rhythm of your wild, to the rhythm of your wild heart_

_It beats, been beating since you've gone_

So he prays and wishes for it all to be just a nightmare. For Castiel's gentle hand and bright blue eyes to wake him up already.

But another night goes by, another abrupt awakening in a pool of sweat. Another bad dream. Another day without him.

How long has it been now?

_When I fall asleep I can see your face_

_What I lost in you I will not replace_

He relives Cas' death almost every night, and there's nothing he can do to stop it. Nothing that would calm his pounding heart. Nothing to ease the feeling of guilt eating at his chest now that he gets to live after Cas is gone.

_And I could run away, I could let them down_

_But I will remember (your light)_

"I could always just leave," he thinks to himself. Forget Sam, the bunker, the Hunt. Take the dog and run. Never answer the phone. Leave it all behind and don't look back. Start from scratch somewhere else. Alone. Disappoint and abandon whatever scraps of a family he still has left... 

That's a risk he'd like to willing to take. 

_When I fall asleep I can see your face_

_What I lost in you I will not replace_

_And I could run away, I could let them down_

Dean packs and unpacks his bag three times that first week without him. But he can't bring himself to do actually leave. He can't.

He has to honor Cas' sacrifice.

_And I know you're gone but still_

_I will remember your light_

He stops crying himself to sleep after the first month. Though he still wakes up in cold sweats at 3:00 am most nights. 

  
_And if you see me in the darkness_

_I hope you know I'm not alone_

But he doesn't stop praying. Because even if he can't feel Cas listening to him anymore, hope is all he has left. 

And so he hopes.

He hopes that even in the darkness of The Empty, Castiel knows or feels or remembers that Dean loved him too.

_I carry you with every breath I take_

_I won't let up, I won't let up_

That he still does. That he always will.

_Until the wind is gone..._


End file.
